My Experience with Depersonalisation/Dissociative Anxiety Disorder

This is something that I'm still not sure I want to put out there because I feel that it puts a very negative outlook on a time in my life that I was happiest...which makes this all the more confusing. 
However, with today being World Mental Health Day, I feel like there is no better time but today. 

Background

Ok so for a little bit of context, I feel that I have always had anxiety. 

Social anxiety is something that I have especially suffered with more recently. 

Finding it hard to talk to people, even friends and people I am familiar with. Avoiding situations like that is what I find myself doing a lot. 

However, I have tried to push myself out of this, by going to blogging events etc. 

The subject is still something I find slightly strange talking about, I don't know why.

But an experience I had in summer is definitely something I want to get out there, because before this happened, I had no idea what Depersonalisation/Dissociative Disorder was. 

The Situation 

We had just finished in our first stop and had moved on to the next stop, only a few days into a 19 day trip round Europe, when I started to realise that, I was feeling...strange, different, something wasn't right.  

I became aware of it when I began to notice that when Ben would say something to me, I would almost instantly forget what he said or what we had been talking about. I could have a whole conversation with him and straight after I couldn't remember a word that was said. The whole situation didn't feel real. 

The most annoying part was that I was walking around these gorgeous cities, but I was in a complete haze, I was confused and wasn't really aware of anything, not even myself. 

But at the same time, I was having an amazing time, the time of my life! I was loving every city we were in and enjoying every second of the experience, just with a bit of amnesia at the end lol. 

The way I came to explaining it to myself and Ben was that I felt like I was watching the world through my eyes but from an outside view...I realise that doesn't really make sense. 

Imagine if your eyes recorded everything you seen. 

I felt like I was watching that footage on a screen in an upstairs room. 

This was something I hadn't experience ever before. This was anxiety x1000. But this time, I wasn't even realising I was so anxious because I was having such a good time! 

I felt like I was going insane, I cried thinking I was actually losing my mind, everything was slow motion. 

It occurred for me mostly at night, and would last the whole night, but once I slept and woke up in the morning, it would be gone, until the night time again. All day I would just wait for something in my mind to switch. 

In an absolute panic, I googled my symptoms (sorry but in this case I was right too), and I found this condition I had never heard of before, but suddenly the dots where connecting. 

This helped a lot because then I was at ease that I wasn't going insane. 

I read a lot that these episodes would only last a few days or weeks, and luckily enough, mine calmed down in a few days and had completely stopped after a week. 

After this my trip continued to get even more amazing and I had the best experience Interrailing and I can't recommend doing it enough!

This is not something I have spoke to anyone about, apart from Ben as he was with me, so I am nervous writing and posting this. 

I have not experience this feeling since then and I pray that I never do again because to be honest, it was quite scary, especially being in a foreign country, not knowing what was going on. 

Information

This was not something I was aware of before this happened to me, so I am now writing this blog post to make as many people as possible aware of it, so if it ever happens to you or someone you know, you know you aren't going crazy and it will pass. 

Why does this happen? 

According to the NHS website, Dissociation is the way your mind copes with stress or anxiety. It may also occur as a result of a traumatic experience. 

How does it go away? 

In my case, having a few less intense days during my trip really helped to bring me back to earth. 

However, if your case is more serious and isn't just going away, counselling is recommended. Just talk to someone about what is happening, often they can console you and help you to understand that you are ok and will go back to normal. 

Who to talk to?

If you feel that your mental health is deteriorating or being affected negatively for any reason, please talk to someone, there is many people who will listen. 

• speak to a friend, family member or someone you trust, as they may be able to help you calm down and find some breathing space
• call the Samaritans' free 24-hour support service on 116 123 
• go to, or call, your nearest accident and emergency (A&E) department and tell the staff how you're feeling
• contact NHS 111
• make an urgent appointment to see your GP

Thank you for reading, 
Siobhan McKerr x